Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
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