Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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