Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
me + whiskey = a bad person
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
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