I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
