I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
