I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
