Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Never underestimate the power of titties
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
