i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
false alarm, still single
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
