i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
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