I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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