Need sex. Gaining weight.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Randomize
