I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
