I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
