It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
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