Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
