so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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