Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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