The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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