Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
