I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Randomize
