I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
