That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
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