hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
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