i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Randomize
