we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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