Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
