I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
