I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
