I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
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