New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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