I accidentally had phone sex last night
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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