someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Randomize