Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Randomize
