This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Randomize
