My sheets look like a crime scene.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
