Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
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