Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
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Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
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We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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