chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
