Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
