I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
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I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
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Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.