Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Randomize
