Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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