dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
