I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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