I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
