I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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