Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Randomize
