Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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