i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
zippers are such a cool invention
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
