I wish my penis had an off switch
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
