I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
