Im at strip club and am horny
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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