it cannot be done, he is unbreakable.
What?
..he cannot be seduced..she had to have roofied him.
Details.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
