i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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